Ok, lets try this again.

So I've been gone again for far too long again, but I'm going to give this a try again, and here's my goal, I'm going to write a new post every day for the next 30 days. And I'm going consider it my little island of self time.

So since I've been gone I've had a baby, cool right? And better yet, I've moved in with Mr. Tall Dark and Brooding and moved my collection of adorable minions with me, into this rather lovely little house in a decent neighborhood. Go me, I'm moving up in the world. Of course, it beats cutting limes in the bar, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss those days. Working in strip bar while pregnant though, I've gotta say was quite the experience in and of it's self. And now here I am on Maternity Leave until June, JUNE. I may actually go stark raving mad in the next 11 months before the government of Canada decides it will no longer pay me out for the privilege of raising my own young.

So I'd like to introduce you to my littlest minion, whom we will call the Baby Octopus, because I was convinced, CONVINCED I tell you that she must have a dozen limbs because she kicked so darn much in the womb, turns out she was just trying to bust her way out. And here she is with my eldest daughter The Bear, photobombing the picture.

So because this blog is kind of an abstract concept in my own mind I think I'm just going to lay it all out here. My life is unfocussed and much as I've tried to find one avenue of interest or focus or discussion I can't seem to do that with any degree of success. I am a mother, a woman, a sometimes this and that, and not being able to narrow that focus is a huge point of contention in my life. So instead of trying to pick a topic and stick to it I think I'm going to go with everything and see where that gets me. At least I will keep writing that way and not just get caught up on "but what do I write about there's so much, how much do I want to share, how naked do I want to be?" I talk a lot about emotional nudity in my other writing, my catch phrase being "here I am emotionally naked and vulnerable on the internet for all to see" and I worry about how that comes across to other people and what effect my nudity and vulnerability will have in my personal life, and yet that very vulnerability is what makes me who I am.

So here we go, an attempt to keep going to pick every direction and not narrow it down to one topic. 

And that will be me, stark raving naked on the internet again.

I've been defeated by bread

Here have some non-sense from a sleep deprived pseudo-vegetarian with a kid with food allergies foraging for food in the snow:

So this morning I have both kids home sick from school, though I suspect they will both be going back tomorrow for the sake of my sanity largely but also because they are legitimately being little pains in my rear end today which is a surefire sign that they are on the mend.

So I decide in my infinite wisdom that we need to eat, and because my fridge is garbage I don't actually have any food in the house, they eat at my mothers or we eat out quite a bit right now because of this. So what I have in the house is a loaf of bread that I bought ohhhhh 12 days ago, not really great on it's own right?

So I'm doing mental inventory of "what I want" and "where do I have to go to get it", while lying in bed this morning and decide that the local organic foods market which is mostly a glorified vitamin shop that also sells organic foods and a lot of vegan options is a great idea. It's only a $7 cab ride each way, it has what I want (smoked tofu and vegenaise) and I'll be able to pick up some basic foods stuffs for the kids. But because it's an organic market everything is unnecessarily over priced right? Well anyway, I convince the two still slightly under-the-weather minions that if they'd like to eat today we're going to have to go out foraging for food and I shove aside my maternal guilt and lack of better support system (you'd think I could have thought of someone to come sit with them for 45 minutes while I went to pick up food, but sadly it wasn't going to happen any time before dinner hour and you can't NOT feed kids all day, they get kinda bitchy, not to mention that whole "neglect" thing annnnyway) so out we go by taxi in the snow to the health food store.

Now this is the part where I put aside my principles of "I will not buy milk/bread/cereal/produce at the organic market because goddamnit I AM NOT PAYING $4 FOR A FREAKING TOMATO!!!" and decide that if I want to avoid making small sick children walk three city blocks in the snow and wind and -14C temperatures to the normal reasonably priced grocery store that I will have to buy my essentials there and pay extra just this once. So I carefully budget getting my smoked tofu and a jar of vegenaise (which is vegan mayo, which I justify buying both because it's cholesterol free so good for my heart condition and dairy free which means everyone in my house hold can actually eat it) and yes even lettuce and tomato at over twice the price of safeway, and then tell the kids they can pick out some food.

Baby-spawn who's been sicker than sick this week immediately wants milk and cereal, so I cringe as I pick up the organic soy milk that at safeway is $3 less, and we go on the hunt for cereal. Well as it turns out much like you can't buy normal mayo at the health food store you also can't buy normal bread or cereal, they have spelt bread, rice bread, gluten free bread, oat and millet bread, honey and brown rice bread, but there was no such thing as just a loaf of good old fashion rye bread and I had almost a whole loaf at home so I wasn't about to pay $5 for bread I knew I wasn't in the mood for. We moved on to the cereals and realized there weren't any cheerios or rice-krispies style cereals priced under $8 for what looked to me to be about 4 servings.

And this is the part where I am extremely grateful that while we do have a dairy allergy in the household we do not have a gluten intolerance or wheat allergy. Thank you allergy gods for sparing me the torture of $12 gluten free cereals.

So with her big giant pleading eyes I relented and picked up an $8 350gram box of "Natures Path Organic Oaty-Bites" and we headed out into the snow to wait for a cab home. 

Well we got home and the kids both wanted cereal of course and I tried not to cringe as I poured out two thirds of the box into their bowls knowing there was a high probability they wouldn't even like the stuff and then coated it in a nice layer of organic soy milk and gave each of them a spoon. And surprisingly they each ate about 3/4 of a bowl full which for sick kids and new cereal is pretty good odds, they were quite happy and even if the groceries cost more than eating out it was nice to think we'd had a normal family meal at home for a change and I started forming a plan to bring whatever was left of the groceries tomorrow to my mothers where they will last for more than 2-3 days (damn you broken fridge you are the bane of my existence) and I set to work making my wonderful glorious sandwich. I open the bread that's been on the counter, and... oh no, no, please don't be moldy.

Fuck.

I look over at the kids, who are curled up on their blankets, watching a movie cozy and content and contemplate making them put on parkas and snow pants, hats mitts and boots and dragging them to the end of the street to the corner store for bread...

And then I make myself a cup of organic earl grey tea with organic soy milk and organic honey and pour myself a bowl of "natures path organic oaty-bites" and douse them with organic soy milk and sigh defeated by a $2 loaf of two week old bread.

We will meet again bread, and when we do, I shall have my sandwich!!!